It seems to me that over the past 40 years or so Government has not only become more distant from our founders tenets but more controlling of our freedoms. When Franklin, Adams and Madison wrote in the Constitution that the Federal branch should regulate trade they meant, “to make trade regular” not to create restrictions on trade. This brings me to the crux of my point, the most heinous iron fist of our Government, The Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, more commonly referred to as the BATF. Firstly, firearms are covered by the Second Amendment, end of discussion. Alcohol has been a mute point since the repealing of prohibition which, when implemented, made gangsters rich and depleted federal coffers trying to catch them. Finally tobacco, what’s up with that? The evil invading Europeans who raped and ravaged this land and stole it from the peaceful, agrarian, eco-loving, cannibalistic, self warring and scalp hunting indigenous Americans introduced the world to tobacco. So how could it be bad? I thought it was cool to be like the Native Americans.
Stick with me here fellow conservative, Bible thumping, gun toting eco-terrorists, we will have some fun before this is over, I promise.
The recent downturn in the economy, coupled with the brilliant policies and regulations (restrictions) introduced by our all merciful leader the DahIiBama have essentially destroyed a business I have been trying to build for over 4 years. Now I am faced with searching for a new direction of income. I am too old for some company to hire me other than passing out carriages at Wal-Mart, and by the way if I ever go there just shoot me when you walk in. So I searched my soul and brain to find a new direction in the sunset of my life, and then suddenly I had an epiphany, nay I was struck by a bolt of lightening, a vision!
I am certain we all agree that the BATF is one of the most offensive and useless branches of our illustrious and oppressive government, so why shouldn’t I take advantage of their disgraceful presence? With that in mind I have decided to open a convenience store.
My new convenience store is called, quite simply, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. At one end of the store there is a gun shop, complete with reloading equipment, cast and copper bullets, powder, ammunition and even reloading presses and the best assortment of ugly black guns that are sure to make Barbara Boxer toss in her sleep all night long. At the opposite end of the building is a specialty liquor store. It would be stocked with the finest single malt scotches, vintage Bordeaux Clarets and even a hearty supply of Pabst Blue Ribbon for early morning hunting. Separating the two anchors is a basic, simple convenience store. This buffer as it were would have all the basics, chips, Tasty Cakes, but more importantly, cigarettes, cigars and snuff. Can you imagine? You’re wife is on her way home from work on a Friday night, you ring her on her cell, “Honey, please stop at ATF and get me a pack of Phillies cigars, a quart of scotch, a box of 12 gage number sixes and two lottery tickets.” Now that’s ONE STOP SHOPPING! How could it fail? So once I get it open Ya’ll stop in for a drink, some ammo or a Tasty Cake, ya’ hear? By the way, if you ever want to find out who your best friend is lock you dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open it see who is glad to see you.